Friday, March 15, 2013

Aracnaf**kinphobia

I don't care what anyone says about spiders, they are the scourge of the earth. When I was a kid I don't remember if I was scared of spiders or not, but I do know that after MY MOM CHASED ME AROUND MY HOUSE WITH SPIDERS SHE HAD JUST GRABBED OFF THE WALL OR WHATEVER, I was. Yep you heard me right. My mom used to take pleasure in making fun of things that bothered me. At this point in my life I think she was like the psychiatrist on the last season of American Horror Story, thinking what she was doing was in some warped way an attempt to cure me. Yeah, no. It was a great way to psychologically damage me.

Spiders have had a lasting impact. I still struggle to deal with them. There have been the spiders in my car that almost cause me to wreck. The spiders hanging down from the patio door frame when I let the dogs out at night causing an ugly dance that if tortured I would die before admitting to. The spiders that get on the couch and jump on you when you are sitting there. AND THE ONE THAT DROPS FROM THE CEILING AND LANDS IN YOUR HAIR...AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Let's just say that I have a very close relationship with Don at Orkin. Which reminds me, Don just got promoted and I will have a new Orkin man. I love bug killers.

I have been known to find where spiders hibernate in the winter and dig them up and kill them. Now that has been 19 years ago, so I may have outgrown that craziness. And it was on my property. It wasn't like I became Super Shelley Spider Slayer, although I may go as that character next Halloween.

Well as the Spring thaw is upon us and the creepy crawlies come out of the woodwork, literally, I am again reminded of my childhood and the desperation I felt as I ran away from my mom...sometimes getting away clean, sometimes running headlong into some painfully non-moving object. Nonetheless, I survived to tell the tale and have not passed on this parental action to my kids so the cycle is broken. Just keep in mind, if you have this fear, I am certain you can rustle up a little Super Spider Slayer of your own and conquer your fear.