Thursday, April 11, 2013

Don't F%@k With My Kids

In third grade there were two kids who were causing me trouble, Joyce and Bruce. They were really bad little kids. They cheated in class, they threatened other kids, they carried knives, they threatened teachers, they were just plain nasty. Their favorite thing to do was pick on the kids who couldn't really stand up for themselves. That didn't sit well with me. One day I challenged them and told them to stop. They threatened to kill me. I told the teacher, she told the principal, and he called my mom.

As you know by now, my mother is no one to fuck with. Mr. Crabbs (yes Spongebob stole that name from the Joy Elementary School principal in the 70s) knew my mom was a force. A strong wind blew when she entered the building. It could be 85, sunny, and 0 wind and when my mom arrived it would turn -20, cloudy, and gale force winds would announce her presence.

So as my mom entered the building you heard a lot of "Hello Mrs. Frageman." She had no time for fluff or niceties. It was always cut to the chase, make a decision, and move on (hmmm sounds familiar to me somehow). The situation was described and my mom demanded swift action and accountability. Expel those kids and deal with their parents (or lack thereof). As usual the answers from the school were less than satisfactory. They had to go through certain channels, all kids deserve chances and opportunity no matter what they did. That response would not be enough, that I knew for sure. She whisked me away still quite angry. As we made our way to the car, school had already let out. She began to drive home when she spotted two kids walking along the road. She looked at me and said "is that them?" "Yes," I said, "it is." She turned the wheel of the car violently toward them and cut them off from their intended path. I think my head hit the dashboard she stopped so hard. She put the car in park and was out of the door in a fraction of a second. As usual, the wind kicked up, the sky darkened and the forces of evil arrived. She was pissed and she would have justice. She returned shortly to the car and we drove home. Yes, they were still alive when we left.

I have no idea what she said to them and I probably don't want to know (I am sure the statute of limitations is up by now). What I do know is those kids never bothered me again. They never came near me or my friends. They didn't even look at me.