Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Let the sarcasm begin

I am certain this is the moment.  Look at her.  She is doing it.  She is coming up with her first sarcastic statement.  

I can tell.  Look at the intent in her eyes.  You can see her formulating the words.  "What the hell is this? I asked for white."  "You call this a good frosting job?"  "What? No 4 tier Disney princesses cake?"

I am sure of it now. I bet this was the first time she thought about calling me "Shelley" instead of Mom.  Yep, now I know what she was thinking: "You call this a birthday cake, Shelley"

Clothespin and a towel

I never needed money or access to the Internet to make my child a superhero like I just heard on the news tonight.  All I needed was a bath towel and a clothespin.  

Pick your character name, throw the towel around her shoulders, attach the pin at the front to hold it on and voilĂ , superhero.  Hours of fun.  

Erica running and yelling "Darkwing Duck!" Erin running and kicking, using all her Kung Fu skills.  Emmy following, laughing, repeating, and using an occasional "yeah" when she couldn't repeat them.

I can still see them.  I can still hear their little voices with that southern twang.  Imagination and some household items was all that was necessary.  Appliance boxes, pots and pans, towels, and your mind.  What could be more powerful?!

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Retirement job idea #7

Pooper scooper. 

I might as well take money from those willing to give it for a job I do for free now.

I'm good at it.  I can now make my yard feces free without any negative shoe impact. 

I must share this talent with others.  Too many shoes go to die in garages country-wide after landing in a pile.  

Yep, putting together my business plan now.  

Saturday, June 22, 2013

This is all I have to show for it

Almost 25 years ago I embarked on this journey of impending marriage and children.  Here are the top 10 things I have learned:

10. If you get married right after advent, the church is already decorated...score!
9. Contrary to popular belief a woman can work right up to and on the day of her child's birth.  I can give 3 examples.
8. If you tell your boss you are having contractions, he makes you leave work.
7. You can break the sound barrier driving to the hospital when you live in the sticks and your child has a major asthma attack.  You almost get there before you left.
6. Compromise is a well traveled road.  So is "because I said so." 
5. Having the principal at school call you and say, "Mrs. Abrams, we caught your daughter on video doing..." is just as exciting as you thought it would be.
4. I love city water and sewer
3. You do not become your mother.  
2. Dogs know English. Don't let them convince you otherwise.
1. The bathroom is no longer your private place.  Someone always shows up. 

I'm ready for another quarter century.  Live long and prosper. May you never be alone. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

And the Verdict is...

So a couple of weeks ago I was called to jury duty.  I dragged myself down to the courthouse and patiently awaited for my release without serving just like every other time.  But it was not to be.

They called us into the courtroom.  One potential juror after another was dismissed.  For some crazy reason they decided to keep me.  They asked me if even though I had been a victim of crime and have a police officer in my family if I could be fair.  I really hoped I could be.

It was a police action shooting.  The defendant was accused of attempted murder of a police officer.  The prosecutor slowly built the scene of the event, street by street, car by car, officer by officer.  I felt like I was on Law and Order.  Lt. Van Buren was a witness for the prosecution.  Jack McCoy teased the facts out of each witness and painstakingly presented each piece of evidence.  I could picture the scene.  Then Abby from NCIS showed up and led us through the evidence and taught how to match bullets to guns.  I could smell the gun powder.  We watched her walk the scene.  

Then the officer who must have a higher purpose took the stand.  The defendant shot at him with a semi-auto gun that got jammed after 2 point blank shots had missed him.  His wife in the courtroom not showing emotion. He stopped a couple of times to collect himself.  It was poignant.

Did you know that officers never cut directly around the corner after a suspect as they can be ambushed.  They "slice the pie."  They swing wide to get the full picture of the area.  The officer that finally downed the suspect after much chasing and shooting was amazing to listen to.  He recalled the events like Briscoe, but was more savvy like Ziva David.  

After building the case with vivid detail the prosecution rested.  The defense stood up and the defense rested.

Then the psychiatrist and psychologists testified.  The defendant had a mental disease but all felt he was lucid that day.  He had worked, he had gone to a bar, he then threatened some people and that's when everything turned bad.  That's when the officer caught up with him.  That's when he pulled out his gun at point blank range and fired.  After falling back, the officer returned fire hitting the suspect.  The suspect turned and ran, finally being brought down blocks later - a clean shot to the shoulder by a 27 year veteran of the force.  Clearly he played the role of Gibbs, stoic, experienced, and confident.

Then 12 angry men went into the jury room to deliberate.  It is just like in the movies.  There is always that one person.  That one who doesn't pay attention to the facts and evidence, who has an agenda.  We ate pizza, we voted.  We voted over and over and over.  We told the judge we were at an impasse. He told us to keep deliberating.  Just when I was ready to go all spider monkey on the one outlier, he asked us all to holds hands and pray.  WTH?  Facts, evidence...there is no praying in the courtroom.  He said a very, very nice prayer and then clearly and quickly said - guilty.

We returned with the verdict and Judge Judy read it. Guilty. Guilty with mental defect. Guilty. We all stated we agreed with it.

Then came the hard part.  After a couple of days listening to the story, learning a lot, and deliberating someone's long term fate, I thought that was all the emotion there would be.  I was wrong.

As we left the building to go to our cars, there he was...the officer, and his wife.  She hugged me so tight and cried.  She was pregnant.  He was emotional as well shaking everyone's hands.  I was the last.  I didn't know what to say.  He had faced death head on and lived.  I shook his hand and just simply said, "There must be great things ahead for you.  Good luck."  

Away I went to my car.  It is an experience I will remember for a long time.  I will continue to watch all my cop shows knowing there is always poetic license, but there is always truth.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Past friends future happiness

So today we celebrated my mom's 75th birthday.  People were there that I hadn't seen in about 20 years.  It was amazing.  I had begun to forget some of the conversations and great times we had together.  It all quickly came back and I now remember why I am one of the luckiest people in the world.  For all the crap there is amazing joy packed away that was brought to the front of my mind again.  

My probably favorite relative of all, Jana, was there.  She put up with all my shit when I was a kid and never told me it was wrong even when she should have.  She is a wonderful woman.  

I hope the joy I am feeling in my heart stays for a while.  When I am with these folks I remember that I may not have had my shit together as a kid, but I turned out just fine.  

I usually don't give hugs, but today I was hug-happy.  I think my heart grew 2 sizes today. 


Ah Father's Day.  This is a day when I think about all the men in my family past and present.  What a lot they were. There were good ones and there were bad ones.  The one that comes to my mind this year is my Grandpa Fuller.  I don't know why, he just popped in there.  He's been gone a while.  

I don't remember a lot about him, you know that whole "other" side of the family thing.  I do remember though his 3rd wife   Helen's voice when she talked to him."Oh Kenny" she would say in this laughing totally happy sing-song voice.  By time I knew Helen and really Grandpa, she was already blind.  But she was a joyous woman.  She would say even with us little kids around that Kenny loved her for her boobs.  She did have GREAT BIG boobs.  Then he would reply how he did love them.  They would laugh, I would laugh. Kenny was a little guy.  He had been a navy man and I think as part of that became a drinker which turned to alcoholism. You could find him every day at the FOP. The first 2 marriages didn't work out, but this one seemed really special and happy. I enjoyed going over to their little white house.  It wasn't much, but it was good.  I think he made things right in the end.  I think all fathers try.  I got their kitchen table and dishes when they passed.  When I get one of those dishes out I think of him.  I hope he and Helen are in Heaven and he's getting a face full of his favorite thing. 

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Wow that's a lot of suds

Have you ever put dish washing liquid in your dishwasher?  Or how about your washing machine?

I have a bit of advice for you.  DO NOT FILL THE SOAP COMPARTMENT FULL UP.  

That's a lot of suds man.  A lot.

Pisses your mom off too.  Like a lot.

Suds + Pissy mom + Laughing kid = beating of your life

Here's hoping your kids are more intelligent and less inquisitive than me.  

Monday, June 10, 2013

I see dead people...well sorta

I have dishes and furniture from relatives past.  I find it difficult to let it go.  

I have dishes from Grandpa Fuller.  He will be a great blog topic soon.  He was very entertaining along with his wife Helen.  I can still hear her laugh.

I have night tables that were my husband's Grandma Dorothy's.

I have table coverings that were my Aunt Thelma's and Great Grandma Burkhart's.

I have crocheted and knitted clothes/blankets that were made by my Aunt Dorothy and Grandma Fuller.

Hmmm, maybe I wouldn't hear voices in the night and be haunted by spirits if I let these things go.  And of course whenever I say things like this Erica stands in the other room and says "Shelley" in a ghost-like tone (damn kids).  But alas, I must ultimately love being spooked out of my mind because even as we move all the things we have in preparation of new carpet, I am only energized by the memories of all these people.  

Let the blog topics flow forth from undiscovered memories from those who have moved on...or have they? Mwahahahahahahaha!!!! 

Friday, June 7, 2013

When I am reincarnated, I'm coming back as your dog

My mom always says this to me.  She says our dogs are better cared for than most people.  Well, I try.

Today was one of those days that tells the tale.

I was on my way home for a half day vacation, the carpet guy was coming.  Then I got the call.  The first call was what every parent hates to get - a hysterical child and then the line goes dead.  HOLY CRAP WHAT IS HAPPENING!  I try to call back and get nothing.  Then I get another hysterical call.  
Daughter: "He's gone crazy"
Me: "Who?"
Daughter: "Junior"
Me: "What is he doing?"
Daughter: "He bit me and he's growling, foaming at the mouth and he's got Erin cornered. I am hiding in the bathroom."

At this point I thought, he's like 17 pounds, I think perhaps there's slight dramatic license with the "he's got her cornered" statement.

I arrive and grab my husband's heaviest coat lying in the garage to use as protection and throw on CUJO when I enter the house.  As I slowly open the door, there he is, all 17 pounds of him.  He looks at me from around the corner.  I can see his beard is drenched in slobber, he has a low rumbling "I am going to eat you" growl going.  I open the door further and he can now see me fully.  I say "it's me Junior."  He instantly stops and shakes his little nub and comes to me.

I scoop him up, make sure my 2 adult children have survived the attack and take off to our phenomenal vet.  Junior wines all the way and is clearly not himself.  I am told he is epileptic and had a violent attack.  Our vet verifies that yes he was probably CUJO like and the kids weren't that far off in their panicked description.

After some Valium and phenobarbital, the little dude is back to mini-schnauzer status and we can put the Stephen King novel back on the shelf.

We love our dogs very much and go to all lengths to keep them healthy.  Now if I could just figure out why their brains fall out when they enter our home...that couldn't possibly connected to me...

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Memory of the Day

When I turned 10 I got a 10 gallon tank filled with tropical fish.  Overnight the heater malfunctioned and fried them all. 

I remember this as I sit at the EENT waiting on my youngest. 

May your fish never be fried unless you intend them to be. 

Saturday, June 1, 2013

No joy like sarcastic joy

The joy I have every day in my home is unmatched by anything else...

Emmy: Mom!  Are the dresser drawers lined to hide the penis drawings?

Yep, clearly that is something I drew and when I had children decided to hide it with liner paper.  I knew one day when you were changing things around in your room I would be found out, have to admit it, and face the music.  Yeah, we bought this crappy little dresser at a rummage sale.  Some other mom out there is safe. 

Your car is on fire

I enjoy living in the Midwest.  I tried my lot at living in the South.  Let me give you 3 key signs you need to move back north:

3) Delta is ready when you are... Once you move to the south you are no longer allowed to speak of the north or say anything in the south moves slow.  If you do, they correct you and offer you the phone number for Delta Airlines.

2) Clearly the nuclear facilities located in several places (we were within 10 miles of the Harris plant) must have been leaking radioactive materials to have bugs that big.  When you step on spiders and can feel them through your shoes, when you are mowing your grass and spiders jump off your well-house trying to eat you, and you are pretty certain you hear "get out" as bugs are chirping in the evening wind...It's best to leave.

1) There's a knock on the door.  It's a fireman.  He asks if you are from Indiana.  An interesting, yet suspicious question.  He says, "Your car is on fire."  WTF!  Hmmm.  Okay.  Yep it was.  Someone came though and lit every car on fire that had northern plates.   

If after that you decide to stay, you get what's coming to you.