Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The Little Things

I started a new job very recently and the people are always the hardest part to leave behind.  My heart is heavy sometimes thinking about it.  I know I will keep in touch, but it's the knowledge that you don't get to see them all the time.  I didn't take advantage of the opportunity to visit with them like I should have or sometimes didn't appreciate them like they deserved.  SO THAT'S WHAT MAKES THIS NEXT PART SO SENSATIONAL!!!

The text I got this morning from someone very dear to my heart:

What day is it? HUMP DAY!! Whoop Whoop!  I hope you are having a great first week.

Yep, you guessed it, the Geico Camel commercial.  My wonderful friend put me on top of the world when I saw it.  They would say this every Wednesday.  I am soooo lucky.  I need to remember that.



Sunday, July 28, 2013

So let it be written, so let it be done

Break-ups are inevitable as you grow up and sometimes as you grow old.  It's all about how you manage them.  Here is my girl tip to create some humor for the moment.

Remember in the movie The Ten Commandments when Pharaoh Seti says "Let the name of Moses be stricken from every tablet and book.  So let it be written, so let it be done."  This was my mantra for boys.  When they got into their weirdo fickle moods and felt the need to move on to another girl with some stupid line, this was my response: Let the name (insert boy name here) be stricken from our hearts and minds.  So let it be written...blah, blah, blah.  If they were moving on, so was I.  It helps to actually say it out loud with friends and then burn something of his in effigy.  Voodoo dolls optional. 

Favorite "I'm leaving you" lines:

"I don't know what I want right now" (no, you just didn't want to spend money on Prom) 
"I don't see a future with you" (I never saw a past or present, I just thought you were nerdy cute)
"You're not Christian enough" (you aren't evil enough) 
"She gave me sex" (and probably STDs) 
"She is prettier and tall" (okay that was true, but I have a way better job and haven't been divorced 3 times)

Girls, Enjoy life.  Sometimes live just for the moment.  Be self confident.




Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Dreams really do come true

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, everything your heart desires will come to you...

People asked why I waited until the girls were grown to take them to Disney.  The answer is in these photos.  This memory will last a lifetime.

The excitement in their eyes and voices made every moment worthwhile.  

Dreams really do come true; even for moms. 

May all your dreams come true... 


Sunday, July 21, 2013

Scared Senseless It Explains A Lot

You would think being afraid of the dark and having ghosts around would be enough to deter me from scary movies but no.  I think I was probably 14 when my friends and I went to see our first scary movie.  It was The Burning.  Sounds horrifying doesn't it?  We said we were going to see a Dustin Hoffman family flick - Kramer vs Kramer.  

So we went to the night show and were absolutely terrified.  The show opened with these kids setting this nasty guy on fire.  Then the next 90 minutes was blood, hacking, screaming, and more blood.  There was also some of my screaming mixed in.  I am fairly sure no one survived which makes you wonder how anyone knew it even happened; nonetheless, we left the theatre scared out of our minds.  I have not seen those actors in any other movie so naturally you have to assume they were really killed. 

I got home and was instantly quizzed about the movie I said I saw.  Good thing I saw the trailer for the Hoffman movie.  Then came the long dark walk of fear upstairs.  I could have swore the burned up guy was in my house.  I probably only took 2 breaths the entire night under my covers.  I was so tense I ached all the next day. I could hardly stretch my fingers they were clenching the sheets so hard. 

Did I learn anything?  Nope.  The next scary movie that came out we lied our way into.  I am fairly sure 20 years of my life was shaved off watching those flicks.  One day I'm gonna want that time back...

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

You will see it again at breakfast

Remember the days when you were at the table as a kid and didn't like something that was on your plate for dinner.  Remember how your parents understood, you asked to be excused, and then went outside to play.  Remember?!  SNAP OUT OF IT

You know damn well you had to sit there until you ate it.  Back in the day, you sat there until you filled your mouth with it and then swallowed it.  I remember sitting at the table for hours and not giving in.  I remember seeing that same damn thing on my plate for breakfast...AND NOW IT WAS ICE COLD.  One time my little brother completely filled his mouth with mashed potatoes (he hated them) and sat there gagging, eyes watering, until he was finally allowed to leave.  I think he got special dispensation cuz he was so stinking cute.  I didn't have that "out."  I was a smart mouth and rebel. 

Who made up that rule "you at least have to try it?"  I said I didn't like it, protested when it was put on my plate AND THEN was punished for not eating it??!!!  Somehow as an adult I see absolutely nothing rational about that approach.

To this day I refuse to eat asparagus, Brussels sprouts, and God help me if I ever am exposed to bean soup.  I just vomited a little in my mouth thinking about it.

I am sure I was supposed to learn something from that experience, but I'll be damned if I can't think of what that would be... Eat what you like my friends.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

He has a fag in his mouth

It is so hot here.  As I was standing outside yesterday talking with a really good friend of mine and butt sweat was running freely, we were reminded of Nebraska, July 1997.

We were in Fremont.  We drove to the outskirts of town and began our work.  It was the hottest part of the summer and it was so humid.  The temperature was 115 degrees inside the metal building.  There were huge tanks and about 19 cats.  They were there to keep the mice down.  They roamed freely in and out of the building and rows of corn surrounding us.

The molasses started to flow, the sweet smell filled the air sending out an invitation...and the flies started to arrive.  As we continued making the liquid feed, the number of flies increased.  We were sweating profusely by this time.  The flies were walking around the frame of my glasses and sitting in my hair.  The cats walked along the edges of the large vats of our sugary smelling mix.  It was clearly one version of Hell.  I visualized that if I didn't become a better person, the end for me would involve a room filled with spiders or this - suffocating humidity, cats, and more flies than the Amityville Horror.

Just then one of the workers began counting.  When he counted 19, he hooked up the hose and began to pump our mix through the hoses to the outside storage tank where our study would commence.  I asked him why he counted.  He said "the cats" as though annoyed with my question.  "Sometimes they fall in and clog the lines."  That is one of the most disgusting things I had heard to that point.

I have never been so happy to be done with a day and change out of my clothes.  I think I just threw them away.  You can't get sweat like that out, ever.  The night though was filled with the best steak I had ever tasted and gambling at the local casino.  At the very end of the evening, we had to stop at the local Walmart and get some buckets for the next day.  As we walked through the parking lot toward our motel, my co-worker proceeded to say "look at that guy over there with the fag in his mouth." I didn't hear anything after that.  "Um, what, that is completely inappropriate?!"  I am pretty sure the look on my face clearly shown what my mind was thinking...He immediately realized what he had said.  Fag is English slang for cigarette.  I think that may have been one of my first cultural differences experiences.

I have captured that in my little book of sayings I have heard over the years.  It is between "I don't have a pot to piss in" and "Cold as a witch's tit."  


Monday, July 15, 2013

She doesn't do math

Emmy is sitting counting the money from her piggy bank.  So far she has 3 rows each with 9 stacks of 4 quarters.  She says "what's 9 x 3?"  I just look at her.  

Emmy:  18
Me: no words just a look of disgust of my parental failure
Emmy:  30, no 27
Me: oh.my.God.
Emmy:  I told you I wasn't good at math.

Not good??! this is cause for concern.

Emmy: what's this 10 pence?  I don't accept foreign money.

At least she knew it was foreign.  Ah, art majors...I feel quite confident the man who invented the Coin Star had a child who couldn't multiply.  



Thursday, July 11, 2013

We have to move...

Text messaging with my youngest

Emmy: there was a seven foot spider in the tub.  It tried to eat me.
Me: holy sh*t
Emmy: I kept trying to drown it but it kept coming back
Me: did you set the house on fire?
Emmy:  I was standing on the ceiling trying to kill it. 
Me: WTF
Emmy: WE ARE MOVING!!!
Me: I guess that's our only choice
Emmy: you don't understand Shelley, it was massive.  You know that shower scene from Psycho?  That was me, except with a spider
Me:  LOL
Emmy: this isn't funny
Me: I have called the bulldozers

I love my life.






Tuesday, July 9, 2013

I need to find the people

My eldest just came home from the grocery with quite the story to tell.

Erica - Mom I just had a big event at Marsh
Me - what's that?
Erica - I was in the canned vegetables aisle when I dropped a glass jar.  As it fell in slow motion toward the ground, I tried to catch it.  I soon realized I couldn't so I tried to jump out of the way.

Me - I didn't say anything at this point.  You have to understand that Erica has some really interesting moments in life.  When she was 6, she cut the back of her hand at the knuckle with scissors.  We are still trying to figure out how she could have cut herself at that angle.  It was impossible unless she is an alien.  When she was 11, she slid into home plate and broke through both lower leg bones.  Did I mention I didn't believe her when she said she was hurt and made her stand on it?  Nothing like a proud parental moment when your child stands up and the top of her leg goes one way and the bottom another.  But I digress...

Erica - after the jar smashed on the ground, I looked down to make sure I wasn't cut when I saw the blood draining out of my foot.  I knew I had to find the people.  I had to find the people and get help.  I needed to stay conscious so I could find the people.  I looked to the end of the aisle and saw the cashier.  I need help here!  I need help!  A jar broke, I need help here!  

Me - nope, there's nothing to say...

Well, the manager came over and saved her.  Good thing cuz she is fixing dinner tonight.  

Oh my children.  They are priceless.


My sleeve filleth over with emotion

I have decided to change my life significantly by changing jobs.  When I went I to work yesterday I was fine.  Today however, emotion was sitting heavy on my sleeve.  All day long I felt like I would bust into tears at any moment.  A couple of times I did.  People coming by and wishing me well.  People coming by just amazed that I would make a change after 18 years.  "You have bigger ones than I do," is my favorite line so far.

I kept telling myself that there were also people thrilled I am going.  That would make me chuckle and you can't cry and laugh at the same time.  

Coming up with creative titles for each and every message I sent out to folks letting them know how they have made a difference for me got harder as the day went on.  Memories coming back like a sudden flood.  

I have been blessed to know some really great people.  I have been even luckier that some said I could be their friend.  Friendship is such a big deal to me.  

I am thinking of the message I want to leave behind to my greater team.  It will have to be creative and unique.  I look forward to that final message because after that I move on to what I hope to make an exciting and impactful future.  


Friday, July 5, 2013

Her big girl pants have arrived

We are just a week away from the big moment.  I have had 22.5 years to be ready for this.  I guess I am.  Her daddy clearly is not.

From the moment I held her little bald head in my hands and looked into her sparkling blue eyes, I knew this day would come.  I had all these plans to be the best parent ever.  Yeah, that got derailed here and there.  More than a few times I have made the walk down the hallway to apologize for my higher than reasonable expectations. She is her daddy's girl.  She has his sense of caring, his ability to be nice to people who just piss me off, his inability to lie.  All amazing qualities. 

I have pushed her over the years because I knew how much potential she had.  She always hit the mark and then went a little further.  She believes in commitment.  She gives people second chances and third.  She is beautiful, intelligent and know what she wants to do.  She has successfully kept me out of jail helping me walk away from situations when someone just wronged her.  And I don't mean piddly crap.  Okay, maybe this is a slight exaggeration... 

She has gotten the job right out of college that she wanted.  We are so excited for her. Some time in the next week we will begin to gather all her things and transfer to her some of our things so she can start out with everything she needs.  That has always been our desire, to give her what she needs.  Now it will be from a distance.  

7 days.  That's all I have left.  I know how excited she is (she mentions it every day and has a countdown).  She is moving to the next exciting chapter of her life.  I guess I am too.  Her daddy, however, will likely call or text her every day.  I think it will take him a few more years to let go.  He still sees her like this: 

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Independence Day and the Pickle

Ah, the 4th of July.  It has always been a memorable holiday.

For years when I was a kid MC had a parade.  Every year we would go down to Franklin Street early in the morning and set up our chairs to hold our spots.  Then we would watch the parade, which started promptly at noon, and it was a great time.  OMG, remember the Shriner's driving those tiny cars? I can remember the sun on my face and always seeing this one boy who was so cute and lived down the street from my Grandma Frageman.  I only saw him briefly once a year.  Ah, romance.  I am certain he had no idea I even existed. 

The year the guy threw some lit firecrackers and they burned Erin.  Yep that was the first time my husband almost got into a fight.  Good thing we always had a car full of bats.  They tend to deter people.

The time the police came to my parents and Darren turned over our entire stash of illegal fireworks.

When I went with my boyfriend's family to the beach for the fireworks show and then...never mind...

The time they were swinging Darren around and he landed on the fireplace.  That required stitches.

That year I was playing with lit firecrackers as a kid and one got in my armpit.  I clamped down and it exploded.  Yeah that left a mark.

The best though was the time Bob was lighting M80s in my parents' back yard.  My mom told him to stop but he didn't.  The last one he tossed into her garden and blew her pickles right off the plant.  She was so proud of those pickles.  Things did not go well after that.

I hope nobody saw that

I just walked through a spider web.  I don't know how you react to that kinda thing but for me it is quite theatrical.  I always say a little prayer hoping no one saw it or caught it on video.

Sometimes I wonder how I can move that fast, spin that well without falling, and how my hands don't just implode from the flailing about.

Here's how it goes:
I curse 
Then I imagine that there are now 50 to 100 THOUSAND little spiders on me.
Then I laugh at myself and say, Shelley, get a grip
That never works so I proceed to try to wipe off the invisible web that has completely engulfed my body and rapidly slap off any and all lingering spiders that I walked through.
For the next hour I constantly look at my clothes expecting a tarantula to be sitting on my shoulder

Heaven forbid the day one is actually there.  Only one thing is worse...spiders flying through the air on little silk parachutes.