Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Annual

Ah, a woman's favorite time of the year - the annual exam.  It used to really bother me, then I had children.  Once you have had that many people see your parts, the annual is a non-event.

Doctor: I have a student doctor here today, may she observe?
Me: Sounds great! Don't judge me...
Doctor: We only do Paps every 3 years now, so you don't have to have one this year.
Me:  I am so disappointed. 
Doctor: I see you need to have a mammogram. I will get you scheduled.  Can you do it before you leave? 
Me: Sure.  I thought this morning when I got up that it would be a great day for boob-smashing.  Turns out it will be.
Doctor: Do you check your breast regularly?
Me: Nope, that's why I got married, so I wouldn't have to mow or check my boobs. 
Doctor:  I do enjoy your visit every year.  You make me laugh.
Me:  it's what I do.  Thanks Doc. See ya next year, same bat time, same bat channel.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Not exactly calm

Today is the wedding day.  I awake and begin to let the dogs out.  Lilly doesn't move at all.  Immediately I am like, well if she is dead I will just cover her up and avoid any discussion of her so as to not upset anyone.  At that moment she looks at me like 'you are one neurotic woman' and starts downstairs.

I complete this task and Michael says, "Where's Emmy?"  Shit. She went to a sorority thing and didn't come home. Great...she's been eaten by wolves.  How will I explain that without alarming anyone on this day?  Maybe it will be like Sixteen Candles when everyone forgets about Molly Ringwold's character.  Then the garage door opens as if on queue and as she walks in, Erica beckons her to the bathroom to help with hair.

So far I have been prepared to explain two deaths...I think I am handling this really well...

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Seven Days

No I am not talking about that crazy horror flick where the girl comes out of the well. 

There are just seven days until my eldest gets married.  I can hardly believe how fast the time has gone from childhood to this moment.

She has always been the experimental child.  The first always is.  You try everything on them and then adjust with the others.  I have apologized over and over for this.  

They just left for the bachelorette party.  It is simple and tasteful.  That is her style.  Although there is a designated driver (our under 21 child), we're not stupid.  

If I had to do things over again would I change them?  Sure I would.  I know more now.  I hope she learned as much as I did and knows better when she is raising her kids.  

I think we might have to get in a trip to an orchard before she rides off into her life.  One last hurrah with just the five of us. And me taking 2000 pictures like it will bring the past back or freeze time. 

Life is good.  Don't look back, just forward.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

He was never sick

This is probably the grossest thing I have written about. Autocorrect thinks I am talking about hockey. 

I don't remember my older brother getting sick when I was little.  Now he had the occasional horrible illness like chickenpox and mumps, but that's kinda it.  I think I know why: hockers.

When we were little we had a house with a pool.  Around the pool was a red fence, at least I think it was red.  The cool thing for my brother, cousins, and all his boy friends to do was muster up slime from their innards and try to hit the bottom of the fence just right so it would dangle and dry right there.  Yep long lines of dried snot just beyond the picturesque yard that we spent time on our hands and knees pulling weeds in. 

As I sit here I can hear them laughing.  My brother's laugh was contagious.  (When he watched Monty Python downstairs at night I would hear him laughing as I lay in my bed and I would start laughing.)  Laughing and spitting.  I am certain that anything that entered their bodies that could possibly be sucked up was and then it was left as 70s yard art. Viruses, bacteria, and likely other nasty boy stuff never had a chance.  The really disgusting thing for me though is that I am quite certain on occasion it would fascinate me so much I would wander over and touch it. Okay, nothing will ever be grosser than that. 

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Almost lost a dog today

See that dog peering over the screen and the mammoth spider?  Sampson came close to meeting his maker today.  As I took him out back this morning to give bones and water to the dog next door, I saw it, but he in his vigor did not.  He went flying out the back door.  As he passed through the outer edge of the web the spider quickly dashed in his direction.

I can admit that apparently I have found the extent of my love.  If you move through a web with a monster spider on it, I will not save you.  There I said it.  I will indeed stand watching as you are eaten and will only then probably go get a bottle of Raid and spray everything within my vision stream until nothing moves.  

It would have been just awful enjoying the first Sunday of the NFL season if the morning would have gone horror movie wrong.  Enjoy the day everyone.  May your day be spiderless. 

Thursday, September 5, 2013

They're heeeere

Well it appears someone is in our house. Okay we may be just a little be the judge.

Erica and I were just sitting in the living room this evening watching the news.  Well sort of.  I had my head in my iPad and she in hers.  A commercial came on, then it happened.

Just as the commercial was transitioning back to the news, a person appeared on the screen for just a second and said "Erica." Then the news appeared.  The silence in our living room was deafening.

I looked over to Erica and she was already looking at me.  "Did you hear that?" I repeated, "Did you hear that?"  Erica finally spoke and said, "that was super creepy."  We sat in silence for a while longer.

Let's hope it's not a poltergeist and that it is in a good mood...always.

My hair is still standing up...I guess the Halloween season has officially begun.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

This little dog

This little dog occasionally acts out by pooping on the floor.  He barks a lot.  A lot.  If a truck passes by, someone slams their car door, or he gets spooked - he barks.  Most of the time he doesn't even know what he is barking at.  

He thinks he is the boss.  He acts like the boss.  If he feels like you are ignoring the boss, he poops.

This little dog is named after Stormin' Norman.  Norm passed in 2009.  Junior reminds us of him although he is less than half Norm's size.

He is protective.  He isn't afraid to take a nip at someone who looks like they are trying to get close to me.  He is goofy and joyful.  He loves to jump up in the chair and snag any food you have left behind on a plate.  He likes to look like he didn't do it.

Is he well trained, no.  Is he smart, yes.

Every day I come home I hear him joyfully barking waiting for me to come through the door.  Every day I am thrilled he is there. 

This little dog runs in a circle when he wants a walk. He is tired after we get to the corner and back.  When he is tired you have to carry him and he lays like a dead weight in your arms. He loves to ride in the truck on the center console.  He can be the boss there.

This little dog loves other dogs.  I am certain he judges them.  He knows he is better, but he befriends them nonetheless.  

This little dog....