I think it is way easier to say scared of the dark. I have been afraid of the dark for as long as I can remember. When I was 9, my parents went out and left me home alone. I turned on every light in the house and had the TV up as loud as it would go to fend of the evil spirits or whatever else was there that could attack me. Our neighbor Gene came over to check on me and I didn't even hear him banging on the door. He called my parents at the restaurant and told them they should come home.
You all know about my grandparent's basement. If I wasn't scared of the dark, I may have well gone and stayed in that room with the hat boxes and would clearly have been killed by the zombie body parts of husbands past.
What about the horror movie test, you know the one where you see how long you would survive in a horror flick? I would survive BECAUSE I AM SMART ENOUGH NOT TO GO INTO THE DARK HOUSE AFTER NOTICING THE LOCK WAS TAMPERED WITH. "Hello, hello, is anyone in here?" Not me.
How about the nights where I almost broke my leg, neck or other body part when I thought I heard something behind me in the kitchen and then moved at a pace known as breakneck to get up the stairs and into my room. Wait a minute, I just said I was smart enough not to...damnit. I clearly would have been horribly killed in a spook movie.
I certainly hope our hearts don't have a certain amount of beats in them before they stop. I seriously used a lot of beats up in my childhood running and hiding from things that didn't exist.
One thing I do find funny is my inner monologue as these events unfold. I am not going to be scared. Nothing is there. I just need to remain calm. I am going to die. Can't I run faster. God help me. Don't breathe heavy they will hear you. Don't move. Someone will come and find you soon.
I do however have a sobering part of this tale of fun...when I was in college there was a boyfriend I broke up with. He couldn't take no for an answer and one dark night he followed me to my apartment. I got that feeling I would always get when I was scared in the dark. So I ran, fast, toward my building. This time someone was there in the dark. I got in the building and up the stairs. As I put the key in my lock he was on me. I struggled to open the door but finally got it. My puppy ran out and he grabbed him. He turned around and hit me square. I remember what happened next although it was a seriously out of body experience. I experienced a rage I have only felt twice since. I picked myself up as he reached the stairs. I don't know what I said but he started to turn. In that moment I grabbed my dog and pushed the guy down the stairs. I grabbed my keys and left. I went to a friends house, vomited wildly once I settled down a bit and then we called the police. I moved the next day. I am certain that my fear of the dark saved my life. If I wouldn't have run when I did, I wouldn't have made it to the building, I maybe would have not made it out of the situation with only a blackened eye. I am grateful I am scared of the dark.
Only 3 people knew is story, now there are more. This blog is therapeutic. I have been carrying that around half my life.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
The Devil's Den and my brother the stripper
Michigan City was the home of Elston Sr. High School. We were the Red Devils and our gym was affectionately know as the Devil's Den. No one wanted to come there. We had the best cheer block anywhere. We were wicked to visitors. We had great basketball teams and the biggest rivalry against Michigan City Rogers. Everyone knew the name Delray Brooks and Eric Frageman....excuse me? Yep. Delray was an amazing basketball player and Eric was the high school stripper.
Yes, when I was in high school, we had a stripper. Eric clearly was the best stripper ever. In 1981-82, Elston had the best swim team in the state. They were also the sexiest 15-18 year old boys I had ever seen, not to mention they wore speedos. They had state wins and records across the board. The name Doug Elenz still makes me smile. So when Eric was elected stripper, you can just imagine how scandalous it would become. A group of high school boys who were extremely social, very sexy, and who every girl in the school had a crush on. Needless to say there were times in my house when there was a girl upstairs and downstairs and I was running interference.
Eric stripped before every home basketball game. There were 2 extremely memorable games. I usually knew what was coming because the planning took place at our house. One time they planned it as a funeral. The Funeral March began to play and a coffin with pallbearers came into the gym. A "minister" started a solemn ceremony when the stripper music started...the coffin lid flew open, there was Eric lying in a suit. Suddenly a shoe flew out, the place went wild. Our games were always, always, packed. The girls were screaming. It was insanity. More clothes started to fly out of the coffin, then Eric jumped up. Madness. I am certain some girls fainted. The game was an afterthought.
The second most memorable stripping event was very well crafted. The stripper music started and everyone was looking around. They couldn't find him anywhere. Then an old woman on the visitor's side stood up. She began to take off her clothes, yep, it was him. THEN, the rest of the swim team got up and they started stripping. All down to their speedos. It was heart-stopping. I was hoarse after that. I aged 10 years with all that excitement. It was one of the most memorable events and I know I am not giving it justice. It was just fantastic, game after game. He would on occasion embarrass me by "shaking his junk" right in front of me, but it got me attention so I can't complain. I got many more "friends" during basketball season.
I haven't come across anyone else in my travels who had a high school stripper, let alone have it be her brother. Just lucky I guess...
Yes, when I was in high school, we had a stripper. Eric clearly was the best stripper ever. In 1981-82, Elston had the best swim team in the state. They were also the sexiest 15-18 year old boys I had ever seen, not to mention they wore speedos. They had state wins and records across the board. The name Doug Elenz still makes me smile. So when Eric was elected stripper, you can just imagine how scandalous it would become. A group of high school boys who were extremely social, very sexy, and who every girl in the school had a crush on. Needless to say there were times in my house when there was a girl upstairs and downstairs and I was running interference.
Eric stripped before every home basketball game. There were 2 extremely memorable games. I usually knew what was coming because the planning took place at our house. One time they planned it as a funeral. The Funeral March began to play and a coffin with pallbearers came into the gym. A "minister" started a solemn ceremony when the stripper music started...the coffin lid flew open, there was Eric lying in a suit. Suddenly a shoe flew out, the place went wild. Our games were always, always, packed. The girls were screaming. It was insanity. More clothes started to fly out of the coffin, then Eric jumped up. Madness. I am certain some girls fainted. The game was an afterthought.
The second most memorable stripping event was very well crafted. The stripper music started and everyone was looking around. They couldn't find him anywhere. Then an old woman on the visitor's side stood up. She began to take off her clothes, yep, it was him. THEN, the rest of the swim team got up and they started stripping. All down to their speedos. It was heart-stopping. I was hoarse after that. I aged 10 years with all that excitement. It was one of the most memorable events and I know I am not giving it justice. It was just fantastic, game after game. He would on occasion embarrass me by "shaking his junk" right in front of me, but it got me attention so I can't complain. I got many more "friends" during basketball season.
I haven't come across anyone else in my travels who had a high school stripper, let alone have it be her brother. Just lucky I guess...
Now that was some snow!
1978. I was a paperboy with my brother. We had a neighborhood route. Eric was good at it, me not so much. I was never good with telling direction or remembering who on our route got the paper. Then came the collection work. I knew I wasn't cut out for sales early in life because I hated asking people for money. And I never knew what to say when they didn't pay me.
One winter the snow started. And it snowed, and it snowed, and it snowed some more. At the end of it we had at least 2 feet, probably more. Well our hometown was good at plowing so quickly the papers came. We had to trudge out into the snow and deliver the news. It became fun once we started digging in it to get to people's porches. Some of our customers had dug a little spot by their door and left silver dollars or other change for us. Payment for a job well done.
It was a big job to do with all that snow, but at the end we had enough money to go to the bakery and get donuts and milk. We dug our way to Franklin Road, easily crossed what was usually a very busy road and ate well. That place had the best cream horns I have ever eaten to this day.
Funny how every time it snows a lot, I think of that paper route. That big bag of papers strung across my chest as we rode our bikes on the route. I didn't do it long after Eric stopped. It just wasn't the same.
One winter the snow started. And it snowed, and it snowed, and it snowed some more. At the end of it we had at least 2 feet, probably more. Well our hometown was good at plowing so quickly the papers came. We had to trudge out into the snow and deliver the news. It became fun once we started digging in it to get to people's porches. Some of our customers had dug a little spot by their door and left silver dollars or other change for us. Payment for a job well done.
It was a big job to do with all that snow, but at the end we had enough money to go to the bakery and get donuts and milk. We dug our way to Franklin Road, easily crossed what was usually a very busy road and ate well. That place had the best cream horns I have ever eaten to this day.
Funny how every time it snows a lot, I think of that paper route. That big bag of papers strung across my chest as we rode our bikes on the route. I didn't do it long after Eric stopped. It just wasn't the same.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Popping the Clutch
Finally getting my driver's license just before I turned 17 presented a fantastic opportunity. I didn't realize it when I was learning to drive, but some of my more savvy friends informed me that I could start the car, our yellow VW bug, by popping the clutch. I called it my batmobile. it could do some great tricks. Using the clutch would save me in the event that I had a tough time getting the engine to turn over, etc. etc. I have often heard that you haven't lived unless you have had to pop the clutch. Well, I quickly learned that I could use this fantastic tip for something way more dastardly. That's right, sneaking out of the house.
My room was on the second floor at the very back of the house totally at the opposite end to my parent's room. We had crank open windows. They were crap for letting air in, but they were great for opening, removing the screen and climbing out onto the about 3 foot wide section of roof. I would then quietly walk down to my parent's balcony and climb down the post to the patio. I would continue to walk around to the front of the house and down the driveway to the small piece of blacktop where the VW bug sat just awaiting adventure. From there I would unlock it, put it in neutral, back it out of the driveway, and then start pushing it forward until I got it going pretty fast. Yep all that gymnastics training really paid off in the strength department. I would then jump in and pop the clutch. I would be far from the house so no one was the wiser.
From there it was to the beach or a friend's house to get the evening started. This went on for a long time. As with all good things, it did eventually come to an end. Someone gave me up and one night my mom was waiting for me. When I arrived home and shimmied up the post to the balcony, she was waiting for me. She was quietly lying on the floor of her room. As I started to climb over the railing, she spoke up. In that first moment, I thought either ghosts had achieved a new level of scary or it was God. As the initial fear wore off, I realized I had been caught. Grounded forever and no car. It was all worth it though. I had some great times in the middle of the night. We didn't do drugs, but we did drink on occasion. We would be smelting on the beach or just hang out. Sometimes I would even meet my cousin Kathy and her friends. They were the kind of kids I wasn't supposed to hang around. They smoked like chimneys, but I always thought Kathy was so cool. She was a lot older than me and was a rebel. But this is a story for another day...
My room was on the second floor at the very back of the house totally at the opposite end to my parent's room. We had crank open windows. They were crap for letting air in, but they were great for opening, removing the screen and climbing out onto the about 3 foot wide section of roof. I would then quietly walk down to my parent's balcony and climb down the post to the patio. I would continue to walk around to the front of the house and down the driveway to the small piece of blacktop where the VW bug sat just awaiting adventure. From there I would unlock it, put it in neutral, back it out of the driveway, and then start pushing it forward until I got it going pretty fast. Yep all that gymnastics training really paid off in the strength department. I would then jump in and pop the clutch. I would be far from the house so no one was the wiser.
From there it was to the beach or a friend's house to get the evening started. This went on for a long time. As with all good things, it did eventually come to an end. Someone gave me up and one night my mom was waiting for me. When I arrived home and shimmied up the post to the balcony, she was waiting for me. She was quietly lying on the floor of her room. As I started to climb over the railing, she spoke up. In that first moment, I thought either ghosts had achieved a new level of scary or it was God. As the initial fear wore off, I realized I had been caught. Grounded forever and no car. It was all worth it though. I had some great times in the middle of the night. We didn't do drugs, but we did drink on occasion. We would be smelting on the beach or just hang out. Sometimes I would even meet my cousin Kathy and her friends. They were the kind of kids I wasn't supposed to hang around. They smoked like chimneys, but I always thought Kathy was so cool. She was a lot older than me and was a rebel. But this is a story for another day...
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Paying it Forward
One of the things I want to do stemming from my years of experience is help others not go down the same path I have chosen. It is not a path I recommend. So in light of that, here are the TOP TEN THINGS TO DO TO BE SUCCESSFUL...am I serious, hmmm, only I know that.
10. Smile and wave, like all the time, even at someone who you would rather run over slowly with a monster truck
9. Have long hair and WHATEVER YOU DO keep it in a normal style, nothing wild and crazy like say... spiking it up
8. Always, I repeat, always say yes to everything, do not, I repeat, DO NOT challenge authority. Lets face it, that will not end well so don't do it.
7. Learn to say "that is a great idea, I love it"
6. Do not ever show emotion in the workplace. I cannot help you if you do. No one will forgive an ugly cry or a passionate stand.
5. If you are asked to go out of your way to meet with someone in authority, for God's sake do it and be happy about it.
4. Rent the Jim Carrey tape on facial motion. Learn how to control all facial muscle functions.
3. Goes with #4, join a poker club and learn the face. It will be useful. This tip alone is worth more than the previous 7. If you think it will help, listen to Lady Gaga.
2. Learn to accept the things you cannot control, no really, let everything wash off your back like water off a duck.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING TO DO TO GET WHAT YOU WANT PROFESSIONALLY...
1. Actually I have no idea. I don't do any of these things...I work hard, am very straight-forward, get emotional about my work, and have short, spikey hair.
Do what makes you excited to get up in the morning.
Do what makes you feel accomplished when you go home at night.
Do what allows you the balanced time with your family to make beautiful and forever-lasting memories.
Don't miss family birthdays including your own for business trips.
Do the best job you can.
Make sure you learn something each day.
Take feedback with a grain of salt, use what will make you a better person, throw the rest in the trash.
Don't allow others to cast the shadow of doubt over you.
Share what you know - the feeling is great.
Leave a legacy that when you look honestly back at it, you are proud to say that is what you achieved.
Understand why you do what you do.
Most of all, be happy - life goes quick.
10. Smile and wave, like all the time, even at someone who you would rather run over slowly with a monster truck
9. Have long hair and WHATEVER YOU DO keep it in a normal style, nothing wild and crazy like say... spiking it up
8. Always, I repeat, always say yes to everything, do not, I repeat, DO NOT challenge authority. Lets face it, that will not end well so don't do it.
7. Learn to say "that is a great idea, I love it"
6. Do not ever show emotion in the workplace. I cannot help you if you do. No one will forgive an ugly cry or a passionate stand.
5. If you are asked to go out of your way to meet with someone in authority, for God's sake do it and be happy about it.
4. Rent the Jim Carrey tape on facial motion. Learn how to control all facial muscle functions.
3. Goes with #4, join a poker club and learn the face. It will be useful. This tip alone is worth more than the previous 7. If you think it will help, listen to Lady Gaga.
2. Learn to accept the things you cannot control, no really, let everything wash off your back like water off a duck.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING TO DO TO GET WHAT YOU WANT PROFESSIONALLY...
1. Actually I have no idea. I don't do any of these things...I work hard, am very straight-forward, get emotional about my work, and have short, spikey hair.
Do what makes you excited to get up in the morning.
Do what makes you feel accomplished when you go home at night.
Do what allows you the balanced time with your family to make beautiful and forever-lasting memories.
Don't miss family birthdays including your own for business trips.
Do the best job you can.
Make sure you learn something each day.
Take feedback with a grain of salt, use what will make you a better person, throw the rest in the trash.
Don't allow others to cast the shadow of doubt over you.
Share what you know - the feeling is great.
Leave a legacy that when you look honestly back at it, you are proud to say that is what you achieved.
Understand why you do what you do.
Most of all, be happy - life goes quick.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Everyone should know how to drive a stick
Back in the day it was a requirement to learn how to drive using a car with a manual transmission. What the hell is that some of you say? Well as a new driver it is the worst possible scenario ever. As a teenager sneaking out of the house, it is phenomenal (oh yeah, this will be the topic of the next blog). My mom's rationale is that if you learn on a stick you will always be able to drive any car. Yeah, you never know when you will have to steal a car to save your life. Would suck to break into it and say "Damn, I should've listened to my mom."
So I had to learn to drive with my mom and Jack. After Eric took Driver's Ed, my parents decided the price wasn't worth the benefit. Jack would take me to the country roads and create scenarios and expect me, a 15 yr old, to follow along like they were real. Did I tell you I was a really sarcastic and fairly nasty kid? Then you all know how that went. Jack: now as you pull up to this road to your left, pretend it is a 4 way stop. Me: it isn't a 4 way stop. Jack: I said pretend, and you arrive at the same time as the other car, what should you do? Me: well, since there is no other car, I can't even tell if we arrived at the same time and it isn't a 4 way stop, I am just going to keep driving. WAY WRONG ANSWER. Pull over, get out.
Six months later my mom gave it a shot. She would put a coke bottle on the transmission hump and say "Okay, now you have to drive so that the bottle doesn't fall over." What the fu**? Are you fu**ing kidding me? Game over before it starts. I got like to the end of our road.
Six months later Jack takes me out again. I am kind of like the cheese used in Cheese-Its. I required quite a bit of aging before I would pass the parent test. Since I was now 16 and a half, it was in my best interest to behave.
The day finally came when I took my driving test. You would think it would go smooth after trying for over a year to get to this point, but no. Instead of leaving me with the stick, they "allow" me to drive the automatic. Did I tell you I hadn't trained in that car??!!! Thank God the driving instructor was drunk (at least that's the only thing that makes sense), I passed.
Thus began a series of adventures that will live in Infamy!!!!!
So I had to learn to drive with my mom and Jack. After Eric took Driver's Ed, my parents decided the price wasn't worth the benefit. Jack would take me to the country roads and create scenarios and expect me, a 15 yr old, to follow along like they were real. Did I tell you I was a really sarcastic and fairly nasty kid? Then you all know how that went. Jack: now as you pull up to this road to your left, pretend it is a 4 way stop. Me: it isn't a 4 way stop. Jack: I said pretend, and you arrive at the same time as the other car, what should you do? Me: well, since there is no other car, I can't even tell if we arrived at the same time and it isn't a 4 way stop, I am just going to keep driving. WAY WRONG ANSWER. Pull over, get out.
Six months later my mom gave it a shot. She would put a coke bottle on the transmission hump and say "Okay, now you have to drive so that the bottle doesn't fall over." What the fu**? Are you fu**ing kidding me? Game over before it starts. I got like to the end of our road.
Six months later Jack takes me out again. I am kind of like the cheese used in Cheese-Its. I required quite a bit of aging before I would pass the parent test. Since I was now 16 and a half, it was in my best interest to behave.
The day finally came when I took my driving test. You would think it would go smooth after trying for over a year to get to this point, but no. Instead of leaving me with the stick, they "allow" me to drive the automatic. Did I tell you I hadn't trained in that car??!!! Thank God the driving instructor was drunk (at least that's the only thing that makes sense), I passed.
Thus began a series of adventures that will live in Infamy!!!!!
Friday, March 15, 2013
Aracnaf**kinphobia
I don't care what anyone says about spiders, they are the scourge of the earth. When I was a kid I don't remember if I was scared of spiders or not, but I do know that after MY MOM CHASED ME AROUND MY HOUSE WITH SPIDERS SHE HAD JUST GRABBED OFF THE WALL OR WHATEVER, I was. Yep you heard me right. My mom used to take pleasure in making fun of things that bothered me. At this point in my life I think she was like the psychiatrist on the last season of American Horror Story, thinking what she was doing was in some warped way an attempt to cure me. Yeah, no. It was a great way to psychologically damage me.
Spiders have had a lasting impact. I still struggle to deal with them. There have been the spiders in my car that almost cause me to wreck. The spiders hanging down from the patio door frame when I let the dogs out at night causing an ugly dance that if tortured I would die before admitting to. The spiders that get on the couch and jump on you when you are sitting there. AND THE ONE THAT DROPS FROM THE CEILING AND LANDS IN YOUR HAIR...AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Let's just say that I have a very close relationship with Don at Orkin. Which reminds me, Don just got promoted and I will have a new Orkin man. I love bug killers.
I have been known to find where spiders hibernate in the winter and dig them up and kill them. Now that has been 19 years ago, so I may have outgrown that craziness. And it was on my property. It wasn't like I became Super Shelley Spider Slayer, although I may go as that character next Halloween.
Well as the Spring thaw is upon us and the creepy crawlies come out of the woodwork, literally, I am again reminded of my childhood and the desperation I felt as I ran away from my mom...sometimes getting away clean, sometimes running headlong into some painfully non-moving object. Nonetheless, I survived to tell the tale and have not passed on this parental action to my kids so the cycle is broken. Just keep in mind, if you have this fear, I am certain you can rustle up a little Super Spider Slayer of your own and conquer your fear.
Spiders have had a lasting impact. I still struggle to deal with them. There have been the spiders in my car that almost cause me to wreck. The spiders hanging down from the patio door frame when I let the dogs out at night causing an ugly dance that if tortured I would die before admitting to. The spiders that get on the couch and jump on you when you are sitting there. AND THE ONE THAT DROPS FROM THE CEILING AND LANDS IN YOUR HAIR...AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Let's just say that I have a very close relationship with Don at Orkin. Which reminds me, Don just got promoted and I will have a new Orkin man. I love bug killers.
I have been known to find where spiders hibernate in the winter and dig them up and kill them. Now that has been 19 years ago, so I may have outgrown that craziness. And it was on my property. It wasn't like I became Super Shelley Spider Slayer, although I may go as that character next Halloween.
Well as the Spring thaw is upon us and the creepy crawlies come out of the woodwork, literally, I am again reminded of my childhood and the desperation I felt as I ran away from my mom...sometimes getting away clean, sometimes running headlong into some painfully non-moving object. Nonetheless, I survived to tell the tale and have not passed on this parental action to my kids so the cycle is broken. Just keep in mind, if you have this fear, I am certain you can rustle up a little Super Spider Slayer of your own and conquer your fear.
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