Memory of the Day

When I turned 10 I got a 10 gallon tank filled with tropical fish.  Overnight the heater malfunctioned and fried them all. 

I remember this as I sit at the EENT waiting on my youngest. 

May your fish never be fried unless you intend them to be. 

No joy like sarcastic joy

The joy I have every day in my home is unmatched by anything else...

Emmy: Mom!  Are the dresser drawers lined to hide the penis drawings?

Yep, clearly that is something I drew and when I had children decided to hide it with liner paper.  I knew one day when you were changing things around in your room I would be found out, have to admit it, and face the music.  Yeah, we bought this crappy little dresser at a rummage sale.  Some other mom out there is safe. 

Your car is on fire

I enjoy living in the Midwest.  I tried my lot at living in the South.  Let me give you 3 key signs you need to move back north:

3) Delta is ready when you are... Once you move to the south you are no longer allowed to speak of the north or say anything in the south moves slow.  If you do, they correct you and offer you the phone number for Delta Airlines.

2) Clearly the nuclear facilities located in several places (we were within 10 miles of the Harris plant) must have been leaking radioactive materials to have bugs that big.  When you step on spiders and can feel them through your shoes, when you are mowing your grass and spiders jump off your well-house trying to eat you, and you are pretty certain you hear "get out" as bugs are chirping in the evening wind...It's best to leave.

1) There's a knock on the door.  It's a fireman.  He asks if you are from Indiana.  An interesting, yet suspicious question.  He says, "Your car is on fire."  WTF!  Hmmm.  Okay.  Yep it was.  Someone came though and lit every car on fire that had northern plates.   

If after that you decide to stay, you get what's coming to you.  

Don't judge me

As I sit here sick in my house after getting that lovely nasty cold that was going around the workplace, I am reminded of a funny yet sick event from about 23 years ago.

My grandma (my mom's mom) had just died.  We were back in my hometown for the funeral.  It just so happened that our eldest who was our only child at the time was sick.  And by sick, I mean there was stuff coming from places I didn't know could leak.  We had been to the doctor, to the immediate care, and everyone said the same thing - Pediasure.  So we bought out the local Walgreens of all they had.  I was constantly changing diapers, washing clothes, and filling bottles.  I am still amazed today, her eyeballs didn't float out of her head.  It was 3 days of nasty.  I was tired, Michael was tired, and we were sick of changing everything.

At the funeral, my parents had gotten pissed at me because I had laughed about something.  I don't even know what, but it was clearly not the time to laugh.  I don't do funerals well. I just don't.  I want to remember the good (well for me with her there wasn't good until the very, very end) and not dwell on the dead part.  I have many times told my kids to burn me up, spread me in left field, and play loud dance music at the memorial. NO CRYING!  Only talking bad about my flaws and laughing about the other crazy shit I did.  Again I digress...

So after 3 horrendous days, we were on our way back home.  Erica seemed like she was getting better, but she had one last explosion left.  She was in the back seat and we were in the front.  All of a sudden we heard it and then I looked back.  All I said to my husband was "pull over."

I stripped her of all clothing, wiped her down and re-clothed her.  I then told my husband we needed to stop at a Toys R Us or something.  He asked why and then he understood.  Sitting on the side of the road was the carseat and all her clothing.  I told him not to judge me and not to look back.  Just drive.  I am mad, I am tired, and I am not above murder at this point.  "Let's go get a new carseat."  

We drove away.

Congratulations, you're hired!

Today my middle child who just graduated college got her first job.  It's exactly what she wanted.  I have to say I am envious.  I think I am still looking for that job.

My first job was at Walgreens.  My boss used to stand behind me and rub up against me when he came for a money drop.  I think he came for something else.  He would do that every day I worked until the one day my dad came to the register right in the middle of one of these episodes.  My dad was about 6'4" and 250 at the time.  Lets just say the little boss didn't do it again.  He left the store shortly after that.

My second job was at a pizza joint.  I lasted like 2 days.  I had a softball game and missed work.  I guess that wasn't allowed at that establishment.  I didn't have a problem with it, I have no idea why they expected me to tell them when I wouldn't be there.

My first REAL job was at Merrell Dow.  I was in the pharmacology group and did mice studies. We used to do amphetamine-like studies to determine effects of certain molecules when injected.  Holy crap one day the senior scientist miscalculated the dose like by 10 fold.  We treated all the mice and about 10 minutes later they were jumping off the walls, off the little mouse wheel, off of us, it was crazy.  They were in my hair, on my clothes, I could not close their little cages fast enough before they would leap off again.  If someone would have videotaped that, I would still watch that madness today. 

I have never laughed so hard in the 25 years I have been a professional.  This one little dude would climb up the wheel to the top then jump off onto my partner.  Jim would just get the mouse off him into the cage and the little dude would jump onto the wheel to the top then onto my partner again.  It was hilarious!  I suppose you could say it has been an adventure ever since.  

Congratulations Erin on your first job.  May it be all you wish for and a little bit more.

My dad and Erin

Year 47, nope still not brave enough

I can't hang my leg off the bed.  I just can't do it.  Not even a little.  I know that something is going to touch it, grab it, eat it, rip it off, or lick it.

Just last night I tried.  What is wrong with me?  I have 2 dogs in the room that I am certain if someone corporeal or otherwise were in there they would alert me. Hell I have another dog just down the hall who barks even when nothing is there. I laid there at 4 in the morning talking aloud to myself about how it was fine.  I can do this I said.  Nothing is here.  It will be fine.  I get up in 2 hours.  Finally after 10 minutes I said fuck it and put my leg back on the bed.

I will try again next year.  I need to have something to look forward as a challenge besides the easy things like kids graduating, marriage and grandchildren, right?!  Irrational fear is so much fun. 

Friends

It's great to have friends.  Did you know that not everyone has to be your friend?  You can have other relationships too.  You can have work relationships, you can have teammates, you can have acquaintances.  There are options.  Each of these relationships has different qualities and expectations.

I believe friends are people who are truthful to you, don't go digging up shit or creating drama about you... they go to dinner with you.  They help out when you are in need personally and don't do it to say they did it.  Friends give you warnings if they know you are unaware of what others are doing or saying. Best friends are even closer than that.  

Friends turn your car sideways...