Wednesday, July 3, 2013

I hope nobody saw that

I just walked through a spider web.  I don't know how you react to that kinda thing but for me it is quite theatrical.  I always say a little prayer hoping no one saw it or caught it on video.

Sometimes I wonder how I can move that fast, spin that well without falling, and how my hands don't just implode from the flailing about.

Here's how it goes:
I curse 
Then I imagine that there are now 50 to 100 THOUSAND little spiders on me.
Then I laugh at myself and say, Shelley, get a grip
That never works so I proceed to try to wipe off the invisible web that has completely engulfed my body and rapidly slap off any and all lingering spiders that I walked through.
For the next hour I constantly look at my clothes expecting a tarantula to be sitting on my shoulder

Heaven forbid the day one is actually there.  Only one thing is worse...spiders flying through the air on little silk parachutes. 
  

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Let the sarcasm begin

I am certain this is the moment.  Look at her.  She is doing it.  She is coming up with her first sarcastic statement.  

I can tell.  Look at the intent in her eyes.  You can see her formulating the words.  "What the hell is this? I asked for white."  "You call this a good frosting job?"  "What? No 4 tier Disney princesses cake?"

I am sure of it now. I bet this was the first time she thought about calling me "Shelley" instead of Mom.  Yep, now I know what she was thinking: "You call this a birthday cake, Shelley"


Clothespin and a towel

I never needed money or access to the Internet to make my child a superhero like I just heard on the news tonight.  All I needed was a bath towel and a clothespin.  

Pick your character name, throw the towel around her shoulders, attach the pin at the front to hold it on and voilĂ , superhero.  Hours of fun.  

Erica running and yelling "Darkwing Duck!" Erin running and kicking, using all her Kung Fu skills.  Emmy following, laughing, repeating, and using an occasional "yeah" when she couldn't repeat them.

I can still see them.  I can still hear their little voices with that southern twang.  Imagination and some household items was all that was necessary.  Appliance boxes, pots and pans, towels, and your mind.  What could be more powerful?!




Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Retirement job idea #7

Pooper scooper. 

I might as well take money from those willing to give it for a job I do for free now.

I'm good at it.  I can now make my yard feces free without any negative shoe impact. 

I must share this talent with others.  Too many shoes go to die in garages country-wide after landing in a pile.  

Yep, putting together my business plan now.  

Saturday, June 22, 2013

This is all I have to show for it

Almost 25 years ago I embarked on this journey of impending marriage and children.  Here are the top 10 things I have learned:

10. If you get married right after advent, the church is already decorated...score!
9. Contrary to popular belief a woman can work right up to and on the day of her child's birth.  I can give 3 examples.
8. If you tell your boss you are having contractions, he makes you leave work.
7. You can break the sound barrier driving to the hospital when you live in the sticks and your child has a major asthma attack.  You almost get there before you left.
6. Compromise is a well traveled road.  So is "because I said so." 
5. Having the principal at school call you and say, "Mrs. Abrams, we caught your daughter on video doing..." is just as exciting as you thought it would be.
4. I love city water and sewer
3. You do not become your mother.  
2. Dogs know English. Don't let them convince you otherwise.
1. The bathroom is no longer your private place.  Someone always shows up. 

I'm ready for another quarter century.  Live long and prosper. May you never be alone. 




Monday, June 17, 2013

And the Verdict is...

So a couple of weeks ago I was called to jury duty.  I dragged myself down to the courthouse and patiently awaited for my release without serving just like every other time.  But it was not to be.

They called us into the courtroom.  One potential juror after another was dismissed.  For some crazy reason they decided to keep me.  They asked me if even though I had been a victim of crime and have a police officer in my family if I could be fair.  I really hoped I could be.

It was a police action shooting.  The defendant was accused of attempted murder of a police officer.  The prosecutor slowly built the scene of the event, street by street, car by car, officer by officer.  I felt like I was on Law and Order.  Lt. Van Buren was a witness for the prosecution.  Jack McCoy teased the facts out of each witness and painstakingly presented each piece of evidence.  I could picture the scene.  Then Abby from NCIS showed up and led us through the evidence and taught how to match bullets to guns.  I could smell the gun powder.  We watched her walk the scene.  

Then the officer who must have a higher purpose took the stand.  The defendant shot at him with a semi-auto gun that got jammed after 2 point blank shots had missed him.  His wife in the courtroom not showing emotion. He stopped a couple of times to collect himself.  It was poignant.

Did you know that officers never cut directly around the corner after a suspect as they can be ambushed.  They "slice the pie."  They swing wide to get the full picture of the area.  The officer that finally downed the suspect after much chasing and shooting was amazing to listen to.  He recalled the events like Briscoe, but was more savvy like Ziva David.  

After building the case with vivid detail the prosecution rested.  The defense stood up and the defense rested.

Then the psychiatrist and psychologists testified.  The defendant had a mental disease but all felt he was lucid that day.  He had worked, he had gone to a bar, he then threatened some people and that's when everything turned bad.  That's when the officer caught up with him.  That's when he pulled out his gun at point blank range and fired.  After falling back, the officer returned fire hitting the suspect.  The suspect turned and ran, finally being brought down blocks later - a clean shot to the shoulder by a 27 year veteran of the force.  Clearly he played the role of Gibbs, stoic, experienced, and confident.

Then 12 angry men went into the jury room to deliberate.  It is just like in the movies.  There is always that one person.  That one who doesn't pay attention to the facts and evidence, who has an agenda.  We ate pizza, we voted.  We voted over and over and over.  We told the judge we were at an impasse. He told us to keep deliberating.  Just when I was ready to go all spider monkey on the one outlier, he asked us all to holds hands and pray.  WTH?  Facts, evidence...there is no praying in the courtroom.  He said a very, very nice prayer and then clearly and quickly said - guilty.

We returned with the verdict and Judge Judy read it. Guilty. Guilty with mental defect. Guilty. We all stated we agreed with it.

Then came the hard part.  After a couple of days listening to the story, learning a lot, and deliberating someone's long term fate, I thought that was all the emotion there would be.  I was wrong.

As we left the building to go to our cars, there he was...the officer, and his wife.  She hugged me so tight and cried.  She was pregnant.  He was emotional as well shaking everyone's hands.  I was the last.  I didn't know what to say.  He had faced death head on and lived.  I shook his hand and just simply said, "There must be great things ahead for you.  Good luck."  

Away I went to my car.  It is an experience I will remember for a long time.  I will continue to watch all my cop shows knowing there is always poetic license, but there is always truth.
 


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Past friends future happiness

So today we celebrated my mom's 75th birthday.  People were there that I hadn't seen in about 20 years.  It was amazing.  I had begun to forget some of the conversations and great times we had together.  It all quickly came back and I now remember why I am one of the luckiest people in the world.  For all the crap there is amazing joy packed away that was brought to the front of my mind again.  

My probably favorite relative of all, Jana, was there.  She put up with all my shit when I was a kid and never told me it was wrong even when she should have.  She is a wonderful woman.  

I hope the joy I am feeling in my heart stays for a while.  When I am with these folks I remember that I may not have had my shit together as a kid, but I turned out just fine.  

I usually don't give hugs, but today I was hug-happy.  I think my heart grew 2 sizes today.