She doesn't do math

Emmy is sitting counting the money from her piggy bank.  So far she has 3 rows each with 9 stacks of 4 quarters.  She says "what's 9 x 3?"  I just look at her.  

Emmy:  18

Me: no words just a look of disgust of my parental failure

Emmy:  30, no 27

Me: oh.my.God.

Emmy:  I told you I wasn't good at math.

Not good??! this is cause for concern.

Emmy: what's this 10 pence?  I don't accept foreign money.

At least she knew it was foreign.  Ah, art majors...I feel quite confident the man who invented the Coin Star had a child who couldn't multiply.  

We have to move...

Text messaging with my youngest

Emmy: there was a seven foot spider in the tub.  It tried to eat me.

Me: holy sh*t

Emmy: I kept trying to drown it but it kept coming back

Me: did you set the house on fire?

Emmy:  I was standing on the ceiling trying to kill it. 

Me: WTF

Emmy: WE ARE MOVING!!!

Me: I guess that's our only choice

Emmy: you don't understand Shelley, it was massive.  You know that shower scene from Psycho?  That was me, except with a spider

Me:  LOL

Emmy: this isn't funny

Me: I have called the bulldozers

I love my life.

I need to find the people

My eldest just came home from the grocery with quite the story to tell.

Erica - Mom I just had a big event at Marsh

Me - what's that?

Erica - I was in the canned vegetables aisle when I dropped a glass jar.  As it fell in slow motion toward the ground, I tried to catch it.  I soon realized I couldn't so I tried to jump out of the way.

Me - I didn't say anything at this point.  You have to understand that Erica has some really interesting moments in life.  When she was 6, she cut the back of her hand at the knuckle with scissors.  We are still trying to figure out how she could have cut herself at that angle.  It was impossible unless she is an alien.  When she was 11, she slid into home plate and broke through both lower leg bones.  Did I mention I didn't believe her when she said she was hurt and made her stand on it?  Nothing like a proud parental moment when your child stands up and the top of her leg goes one way and the bottom another.  But I digress...

Erica - after the jar smashed on the ground, I looked down to make sure I wasn't cut when I saw the blood draining out of my foot.  I knew I had to find the people.  I had to find the people and get help.  I needed to stay conscious so I could find the people.  I looked to the end of the aisle and saw the cashier.  I need help here!  I need help!  A jar broke, I need help here!  

Me - nope, there's nothing to say...

Well, the manager came over and saved her.  Good thing cuz she is fixing dinner tonight.  

Oh my children.  They are priceless.

My sleeve filleth over with emotion

I have decided to change my life significantly by changing jobs.  When I went I to work yesterday I was fine.  Today however, emotion was sitting heavy on my sleeve.  All day long I felt like I would bust into tears at any moment.  A couple of times I did.  People coming by and wishing me well.  People coming by just amazed that I would make a change after 18 years.  "You have bigger ones than I do," is my favorite line so far.

I kept telling myself that there were also people thrilled I am going.  That would make me chuckle and you can't cry and laugh at the same time.  

Coming up with creative titles for each and every message I sent out to folks letting them know how they have made a difference for me got harder as the day went on.  Memories coming back like a sudden flood.  

I have been blessed to know some really great people.  I have been even luckier that some said I could be their friend.  Friendship is such a big deal to me.  

I am thinking of the message I want to leave behind to my greater team.  It will have to be creative and unique.  I look forward to that final message because after that I move on to what I hope to make an exciting and impactful future.  

Her big girl pants have arrived

We are just a week away from the big moment.  I have had 22.5 years to be ready for this.  I guess I am.  Her daddy clearly is not.

From the moment I held her little bald head in my hands and looked into her sparkling blue eyes, I knew this day would come.  I had all these plans to be the best parent ever.  Yeah, that got derailed here and there.  More than a few times I have made the walk down the hallway to apologize for my higher than reasonable expectations. She is her daddy's girl.  She has his sense of caring, his ability to be nice to people who just piss me off, his inability to lie.  All amazing qualities. 

I have pushed her over the years because I knew how much potential she had.  She always hit the mark and then went a little further.  She believes in commitment.  She gives people second chances and third.  She is beautiful, intelligent and know what she wants to do.  She has successfully kept me out of jail helping me walk away from situations when someone just wronged her.  And I don't mean piddly crap.  Okay, maybe this is a slight exaggeration... 

She has gotten the job right out of college that she wanted.  We are so excited for her. Some time in the next week we will begin to gather all her things and transfer to her some of our things so she can start out with everything she needs.  That has always been our desire, to give her what she needs.  Now it will be from a distance.  

7 days.  That's all I have left.  I know how excited she is (she mentions it every day and has a countdown).  She is moving to the next exciting chapter of her life.  I guess I am too.  Her daddy, however, will likely call or text her every day.  I think it will take him a few more years to let go.  He still sees her like this: 

Independence Day and the Pickle

Ah, the 4th of July.  It has always been a memorable holiday.

For years when I was a kid MC had a parade.  Every year we would go down to Franklin Street early in the morning and set up our chairs to hold our spots.  Then we would watch the parade, which started promptly at noon, and it was a great time.  OMG, remember the Shriner's driving those tiny cars? I can remember the sun on my face and always seeing this one boy who was so cute and lived down the street from my Grandma Frageman.  I only saw him briefly once a year.  Ah, romance.  I am certain he had no idea I even existed. 

The year the guy threw some lit firecrackers and they burned Erin.  Yep that was the first time my husband almost got into a fight.  Good thing we always had a car full of bats.  They tend to deter people.

The time the police came to my parents and Darren turned over our entire stash of illegal fireworks.

When I went with my boyfriend's family to the beach for the fireworks show and then...never mind...

The time they were swinging Darren around and he landed on the fireplace.  That required stitches.

That year I was playing with lit firecrackers as a kid and one got in my armpit.  I clamped down and it exploded.  Yeah that left a mark.

The best though was the time Bob was lighting M80s in my parents' back yard.  My mom told him to stop but he didn't.  The last one he tossed into her garden and blew her pickles right off the plant.  She was so proud of those pickles.  Things did not go well after that.

I hope nobody saw that

I just walked through a spider web.  I don't know how you react to that kinda thing but for me it is quite theatrical.  I always say a little prayer hoping no one saw it or caught it on video.

Sometimes I wonder how I can move that fast, spin that well without falling, and how my hands don't just implode from the flailing about.

Here's how it goes:

I curse 

Then I imagine that there are now 50 to 100 THOUSAND little spiders on me.

Then I laugh at myself and say, Shelley, get a grip

That never works so I proceed to try to wipe off the invisible web that has completely engulfed my body and rapidly slap off any and all lingering spiders that I walked through.

For the next hour I constantly look at my clothes expecting a tarantula to be sitting on my shoulder

Heaven forbid the day one is actually there.  Only one thing is worse...spiders flying through the air on little silk parachutes.